As I lay there on the doctor's couch, I felt much better after getting it all out. True, there had been some minor tears, but the doctor pretended he didn't see them. I had just finished confessing to Dr. Zundapp that I've owned six motorcycles and I have yet to name a one of them. Not one. It seems that most of the other bikers who ride long distances, seem to have an affectionate name for their "iron stallions" but not me.

"Tell me Doctor, why can't I find a name for my motorcycles? God knows I've tried!"

Dr. Zundapp thought for a moment and said carefully, " I'm afraid you are zuffering from Post Traumatic Motorcycle No-Name Stress Syndrome, or PTMNNSS as we refer to it in our business. It is very similar, in many respects to Motorcycle Name Envy and Hyperactivity Syndrome" but the patient with Name Envy usually suffers from pronounced tics and exhibits bed-wetting, but you have none of those symptoms."

"Well, what exactly is PTMNNSS and why do I have it?"

"Vell, there are two reasons, basically. First you ride a Honda and Hondas don't lend themselves to names, at least ones you can pronounce. The American palette is not comfortable with motorcycle names like Sake or Ginsu and names like that. Americans want names like Bruno, Duke, and Pit bull, you understand. The second reason is that you seem to be wholly unimaginative. No offense intended."

"None taken," I said. "But why do I feel so guilty?"

"Vell, have you been reading any motorcycle literature lately? Surfing motorcycle websites, or anyting of that nature?" he quarried.

"You know, I have, now that you mention it. I found Muthuh's website (http://www.muthuh.com) and he calls his Harley, Huckleberry and his riding buddy Vance calls his Panhead, Petey. Then I surfed over to Dennis Margeson's site (http://www.rni.net/~bikespage) and he calls his bike, Bike. Yeah, Doc., I think you're on to something. I read the Long Rider and he calls his motorcycle xxxxxxx. It seems like almost every motorcycle book I pick up nowadays, there's someone riding a bike with a name. I just read Jupiter's Travels, by Ted Simon, who rode a Triumph around the world and begins to think he's God and calls himself Jupiter. That's not quite the same since he didn't actually name his motorcycle, but he's riding on top of the motorcycle, so that's close. We have a guy in our club, Dennis, who rides a Harley named Trixie. I read a post by a fellow named Greg who has two bikes, one named Thunder and the other Kandy. I even passed a Harley on a trailer the other day with the name Monster, actually painted on the tank. They're everywhere."

"Dat, explains it den," said the good doctor.

"But what can I do? Must I go on feeling guilty about having a No Name motorcycle? Will this suffering never end?"

" Of course not, you dumkuof! You must ask for help if you are to get better."

So there you have it friends. I have a fine looking GL1800 Goldwing that has safely taken me around the western part of the country and served me faithfully for over 12,000 miles, and I can't come up with an appropriate name for it. And the funny thing is I've owned fourteen different boats and I've named each one. No problem. Why can't I come up with a name for my motor?

I've tried Silver, Hi O Silver, Old Silver, and Big Bird. None of these seem suitable. I thought Big Bird might work, but it seemed better suited for the yellow Goldwing. I'm looking for help here and I'm desperate. If you have a name you think would fit my big iron (and fiberglass) stallion, please write and let me know. Otherwise the sleepless nights the sudden outbursts of silent tears streaming down my cheeks will continue, not to mention the growing frustration and anger towards innocent bystanders. This is not pretty folks, send in those names.

If you are the one who provides the winning name, I'll give you full credit on this fine website. I'll post your name under my Goldwing picture on the home page, and I'll name my next child after you. What more could you want?

Send your suggested name for my Goldwing to:
efwhitehead@earthlink.net

Thanks - Ed